Yesterday I had to say goodbye. I said goodbye to a love I wanted for the rest of my life.
Goodbye feels so final, so dead and so gone. Part of me cannot comprehend the repercussions of this goodbye. If I sit too long and think too hard about it, a deep ache climbs into my heart. I feel cold. And I get the urge to go home.
I want to go home.
But he was home.
And now he’s gone.
How can something I want so much be something that hurt me too much? When is enough enough? How much do I give, and how much do I loose? Am I wrong for hesitating after he broke my heart into a million pieces.
A future and a lifetime together felt so close, so real. I could almost taste it. I could see it inching towards me after years of loving this man. I felt confident in the choice I made.
But he broke me.
How can you move on from someone you grew to love for so many years? How do you even begin to pick up the pieces?
Walking away was one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life so far. I don’t know if I’ll regret it because he ultimately put me here. I would have been his if he didn’t break me in unimaginable ways. I won’t regret protecting my heart. But I will wonder what could have been, and that’s when I will remind myself of what I want for my life and the kind of man I want to trust my life to. And he wasn’t it anymore. He shattered my trust.
I know I have made a choice that took a lot of courage.
Walking away from the familiar is scary, sad and lonely. But I believe it takes guts to look love in the face and say, “I love you, I love you I love you. But you’ve hurt me too much my love, and for my own health, I must say goodbye.”
Goodbye my love, goodbye.
. . . .I love you.