Not a Chance

You were everything I thought I wanted wrapped up in a beard, an easy laugh, broad arms like tree trunks, smooth lips, an exploring tongue, and kind eyes, like a rainy Sunday afternoon.

You felt safe, secure, and simple.

But that is all that you were; that’s as far and as deep as you went. A simple passing in my life you were, soon to fade into a foggy memory.

A phantom from my past, you reminded me of someone I used to know, an easy choice gone wrong. A man who did exactly what you did in the end, leave.

When I tell lovers the story of my heartbreak, they often stand awestruck, making promises to never do the same.

Yet, in the end, no matter how it is done or why, leaving is what they do. They are all one in the same.

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Vulnerable

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It’s worth it, opening up, being vulnerable in a way that shows the raw version of yourself.

Even if the outcome isn’t what you wanted. Is it ever what we want exactly? Who said life would go the way we pictured it? Even if your heart breaks, do it. Because not doing it is like living in the same house for hundreds of years without making repairs; it slowly falls down around you and before you know it, you’re alone without the warmth of your bed or the comfort of your familiar surroundings.  And you have no clue on how to rebuild it and make it better. You’re left homeless.

So do it, be vulnerable. Move forward, and start building your life up with people you love and people who love you back.

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Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

Once again we meet my friend. Ah, I almost forgot what you were like. But once again I am met with your familiarity, the way you tug at my heart. The way you used to fill me up with colorful butterflies, but now an ache remains.

I wasn’t in love with you Boy. But I could see myself falling for you.

You couldn’t commit, even though you said I was everything you were looking for. I call bullshit.

Dear Boy, I will miss you. I will miss the way I could picture being yours. I will miss your strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me into you as we slept. I will miss the idea of you being my choice.

But I won’t miss the uncertainty of your honesty. I won’t miss your shadow as you walk away.  I won’t look behind me. I will turn and move on.

I won’t miss the Boy who couldn’t decide.

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Sooner Than Later

My heart has been breaking a little bit more every day since you left me. The way you left has imprinted a black mark on my heart.

You want to get back together. I tried. I’ve been trying. Because damn it, despite everything I still love you. I do. And yes, if I choose you again we could maybe be happy and do this. But something in my gut tells me this is over now.

It brings tears to my eyes because this isn’t how I imagined our story ending. But how naive can I be? How blind can I remain? When you broke my heart, my eyes were opened. And I’m seeing things I didn’t see before.

I see flags I never saw before.

I’m holding on to a small hope that maybe, just maybe, all the words you said to me were a lie. I find myself hoping the image I saw when I walked into your apartment unannounced wasn’t true. I wish it was a nightmare I have yet to wake up from. If it is, please shake me! Please yell my name. Please rescue me. Now.

But it was all true. It wasn’t an allusion or a nightmare.

The image of a future with you has become foggy like the mirrors in the bathroom  after a hot shower. I can scarcely make out your reflection.

I don’t recognize you anymore my love.

I wish you didn’t do these things. But if it was going to happen, I’m glad it was sooner than later.

 

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Fly Away

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Yesterday I had to say goodbye. I said goodbye to a love I wanted for the rest of my life.

Goodbye feels so final, so dead and so gone. Part of me cannot comprehend the repercussions of this goodbye.  If I sit too long and think too hard about it, a deep ache climbs into my heart. I feel cold. And I get the urge to go home.

I want to go home.

But he was home.

And now he’s gone.

How can something I want so much be something that hurt me too much? When is enough enough? How much do I give, and how much do I loose? Am I wrong for hesitating after he broke my heart into a million pieces.

A future and a lifetime together felt so close, so real. I could almost taste it. I could see it inching towards me after years of loving this man. I felt confident in the choice I made.

But he broke me.

How can you move on from someone you grew to love for so many years? How do you even begin to pick up the pieces?

Walking away was one of the hardest decisions I have made in my life so far. I don’t know if I’ll regret it because he ultimately put me here. I would have been his if he didn’t break me in unimaginable ways. I won’t regret protecting my heart. But I will wonder what could have been, and that’s when I will remind myself of what I want for my life and the kind of man I want to trust my life to. And he wasn’t it anymore. He shattered my trust.

I know I have made a choice that took a lot of courage.

Walking away from the familiar is scary, sad and lonely. But I believe it takes guts to look love in the face and say, “I love you, I love you I love you. But you’ve hurt me too much my love, and for my own health, I must say goodbye.”

Goodbye my love, goodbye.

. . . .I love you.

 

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Be Brave Enough to Live

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There are many things we say we want to do, but we never actually follow through. We’ve all been there.

About a year ago I talked to my friend about traveling abroad. We talked about how we are at a perfect place in our lives to do so. No, we’re not rich. But we’re young, full of life and adventure. So why the hell not? So we started planning.

I got back from our trip to Australia a couple of weeks ago. It may be clique to say, but traveling really does change you. It taught me many things, but I think one of the most important lessons I learned was to let go.

It also opened my eyes to all the beautiful people and places there are in the world.

It is easy to stay inside our comfortable bubble. But when we break away from that, when we step outside of our comfort-zones, when we do things that stretch us, that’s when we grow.

I met a lot of interesting people from all over the world. Many people that I met in the hostels had been traveling for months, even years. All of their belongings were stuffed into a worn-out backpack. A lot of these people hadn’t seen their families in months, some years. They each had a different story of why they were traveling and what they hoped to accomplish.

We all come from different walks of life, and it’s so interesting to hear where people’s journeys take them.

One thing that struck me was how happy these people were. They didn’t have a lot of money, and no they didn’t have a lot of responsibility, but damn they were smiling.

Our culture places such an emphasis on material things. This pressure grips us, and the grip doesn’t seem to loosen until we’re older and hopefully wiser. But we miss out on precious time when that happens.

Through my travels I have realized what I want for my life and what I want to focus my energy and time on.

I want to fill my life with unforgettable experiences. I want to laugh so much I get wrinkles around my eyes. I want to travel and meet more interesting people and listen to their stories about life. I want to spend my time truly living. I can tell you now that money won’t be the focus of my life. It’s a necessity, but I refuse to become caught in the clutches of its merciless grasp. I don’t want to wake up one day with grey hair and frail bones and realize I missed it. I missed the chance to experience life as it was meant to be experienced.

I went on this trip with a tight budget. But I was still able to enjoy myself. And I was happy because I was truly living every moment I was awake; whether that was by seeing a beautiful Australian beach, swimming through a waterfall in a thunderstorm, or sharing a laugh with a stranger, or getting hopelessly lost.

Everywhere I have traveled to so far, I have realized that humans really are so similar while being so vastly different. We all crave love, friendship, kindness affection and happiness.

Even though the different cultures, backgrounds, skin colors, accents, personalities and time-zones, we are all united by the simple fact that we’re all living this life together. When we stop and enjoy the beauty around us, when we do things that challenge us and make us grow, that’s what truly living looks like.

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I Can Be Okay Without You

I can breath without you.

I can laugh without you.

I can dance alone and be happy.

I can watch the sunset alone.

I can sing and be heard alone.

I can have adventures alone.

I can do life without you.

I wanted you. I wanted it all with you. Only you.

But you didn’t know what you had when you had it.

I ran. I’m gone. I miss you. And even though it hurts like hell, I know I’ll be okay one day at a time.

 

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